The Courage to Be Disliked
by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
“No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”
Three Sentence Summary
An exploration of Adlerian psychology, which takes the standpoint that our past does not dictate our present day actions or future. If we are angry, we should examine the purpose of the emotion rather than what we think caused it. We should try to live without seeking recognition and instead have the courage to live according to our own principles, even if that means we are disliked.
WHAT DID I THINK?
By rejecting Freud's ideas that past trauma causes present unhappiness and arguing that we determine the meaning of our past experiences, Adler seeks to show that we have agency to change our lives.
While such a thesis is undoubtedly motivating to the reader, I found it challenging to work through when thinking of specific examples. For example, try telling a victim of child abuse that their trauma doesn't exist and that they alone determine the meaning of such events.
It is no coincidence that the author describes Adlerian psychology as "strong medicine" and a "psychology of courage" that would require half the years you've lived to put into practice.
After reading this book, I feel that Adlerian psychology could be effectively used in a sequence that begins with the Freudian approach to psychology, even though they are diametrically opposed. Understand the past, then realise it doesn’t have power over you anymore. Overall this remarkable book brought home what someone once said to me: the most powerful beliefs in the world are self-limiting ones.
How strongly I recommend it: 9/10
NOTES
The events of the book take place as a dialogue between an unnamed angry youth and philosopher.
The philosopher is teaching him all about Adlerian psychology. Along with Freud and Jung, Alfred Adler is regarded as one of the three eminences in the field of psychology.
Adler's ideas challenge Freud's, who said that a person's past trauma cause their present unhappiness. In order to understand them and their present disposition, you need to understand their past narrative, which is full of causality and dramatic developments. In the Adlerian view, past trauma doesn't exist, but it does influence you. This is a radical standpoint.
It's worth re-emphasising the point he makes. If we focus on past causes and try to explain things in terms of cause and effect, it results in determinism. We are subscribing to a worldview in which our present and future have been dictated by our past.
In the Adlerian worldview, the past doesn't matter. You don't think about past causes, you think about present goals. You choose an emotion or behaviour to achieve a present goal.
Adlerian psychology focuses on teleology - the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon rather than its cause. Whereas aetiology is the study of causation.
Let's look at a couple of examples.
Colin does not leave the house as he gets anxious and fearful every time he does. In Freudian psychology, you would seek to understand what might have caused him to be anxious and fearful by looking back. In Adlerian psychology, you would examine what present goals that anxiety and fearfulness serves. In the story, these emotions serve the goal of getting attention from his parents.
The youth recounts a story where he gets angry at a waiter in a restaurant. He was so upset by the poor service and reacted impulsively. But the philosopher challenges him, saying that he "manufactured" the emotion of anger to serve his present goal: to get the wait to submit to him. He could have avoided anger, but he chose to be angry. The philosopher says it shows that not only are people controlled by the past, they are not controlled by their emotions.
The obvious counter to Adler's view is something truly horrific, say being sexually abused as a child. In the Adlerian worldview, such experiences would have strong influences on someone's personality. But Adler argues nothing is actually determined by those influences. We choose to live our lives according to the meaning we give to such experiences. As the philosopher says, Adlerian psychology is "strong medicine."
Adler believes that people are not unhappy because they were born into unhappy circumstances or ended up in an unhappy situation. It's that people judge "being unhappy" as good for them.
The philosopher highlights the key difference between the phrases "I am a pessimist" and "I have a pessimistic view of the world." The latter is more accurate because you choose to be a pessimist. You aren't born a pessimist. In response, the youth argues that he has no recollection of having chosen his personality. Adler agrees. Our first choice is likely to be unconscious - shaped by race, nationality, culture, environment. But he contents it was still a choice that happened around 10.
Change is hard. When we try to change, anxiety is created by changing (i.e. what does the future hold?) and it combined with anxiety about not changing (i.e. I will slip back to old behaviours). The philosopher therefore describes Adlerian psychology as a "psychology of courage." He also describes it as "a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others."
Make change subjective on other factors is a choice. We are are scared of what will happen if we do X, so we make excuses.
The philosopher underlines that many of our self-limiting beliefs are designed to stop us getting hurt by others. Adler goes so far as to assert, ‘All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.’ But he says it is impossible to not get hurt by others. Adler says, ‘To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone.’ But one can’t do such a thing.
The state of being lonely requires other people. We need to have a sense of being excluded from society and the community around us.
Feelings of inferiority (i.e. I am shorter than him) are not objective, it is a subjective feeling of inferiority. We have ascribed a meaning based on social context.
Adler thinks feelings of inferiority can be useful as they motivate us to grow. But an inferiority complex is not healthy as it is often a cloak to not do something.
Even feelings of superiority - through wearing a cool brand - are rooted in inferiority. Adler says, "The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority."
Feelings of inferiority can actually be powerful. Who is the strongest person in our society? The baby, who rules over adults with their weaknesses.
Inferiority does not arise from comparison to others. It actually comes from a comparison to one's ideal's self.
Noting the traps that exist in inferiority and superiority, the philosopher has withdrawn from places that "preoccupied with winning and losing." Competition harms one's ability to be themselves. A lot of unhappiness is rooted in the fact we are competing with others'.
The philosopher returns to looking more closely at interpersonal conflict. He warns against "power struggles." No matter how you think you are "right" avoid criticising the other party on that basis. This is the "trap" that leads to a power struggle because if you are right, the other is wrong. It moves from a debate about the "rightness of assertions" to a contest on the state of the relationship. The youth notes "when you're hung on winning and losing, you lose the ability to make the right choices."
According to Adlerian psychology there two objectives for our behaviour: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. These are our "life tasks."
Underpinning these are types of interpersonal relationships: "tasks of work," "tasks of friendship," and "task of love."
When it comes to friendship don't think about quantity, think about the length and depth of a friendship.
The philosopher think the "task of love" should be being able to behave very freely, not something that feels oppressive and strained.
When we fall out of love and start highlighting our lovers flaws, we are looking for excuses to end the relationship because these flaws were once tolerated. Adler calls the process of coming up with such pretexts as the "life-lie." We shift responsibility for the situation we are currently in to someone else.
Adler also describes his psychology as one of "use" not "possession" - "it's not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment."
Seeking recognition from others' should be avoided. If we only do things to seek recognition, when we don't get it, will we be motivated to continue?
The philosopher argues our tendency to seek recognition is rooted in our "reward-and-punishment education." If we take the right action, we get praise and vice-versa.
Troubles in our interpersonal relationships are caused when we intrude on other people's "life tasks". This is not a call for "non-interference." For example, it is about telling the child their task and saying you are there should they need assistance when they have the urge to study. Instead parents often think "my child is my life" and seek to force them to do the task.
Good relationships require a degree of distance. Think of when you bring a book too close to your face, you cannot see anything.
Adler thinks it is important for children to confront challenges else they will avoid them.
The title comes from the idea that freedom "is being disliked by other people," which is proof that you are living according to your own principles. Not being disliked by anyone is impossible.
Would you rather live in a world where everyone likes you or one where people dislikes you? For the philosopher, he chooses the latter as it is freedom.
In Adlerian psychology, the mind and body are not separate: we are "indivisible."
Good interpersonal relationships require a degree of distance.
For Adler, belonging is something that occurs when you make an active commitment to the community, you aren't just there. You aren't endowed with it at birth, you acquire it through effort.
Adler is against praise and rebuking others as it creates vertical not horizontal relationships. Judgement is the characteristic of vertical relationships, whereas gratitude is a feature of horizontal relationships. Encouragement should come in the form of simple gratitude. We aren't adept at mixing and matching these types of relationships - we have to try and make all relationships horizontal.
People who are wealthy work for a sense of belonging.
To apply Adlerian psychology to your day-to-day life, you need half the number of years you have lived!
People can only realise their worth when they feel useful to someone.
If life is like climbing a mountain, it isn't about reaching the peak. It's about the journey: we don't call this an "en route" life. Also treating life like a story links to Freudian aetiology, where we think A caused B. Life is more like a series of dots, a series of moments.
If we say we'll wait for X before doing Y we won't realise our potential. The greatest "life-lie" is to not live in the present.
Life in general has no meaning, whatever meaning it has is assigned by the individual.