30 THINGS IT'S TAKEN ME 30 YEARS TO LEARN
I recently turned 30 years old. Unlike Muhammad Ali, Bill Gates and Isaac Newton at the same age, I'm not a world champion, I haven't founded a billion dollar company or invented a new branch of mathematics. But I have made a list of thirty things it's taken me thirty years to learn.
Journalist Sathnam Sanghera once wrote, "if you are not embarrassed by the person you were ten years ago, then you are probably not trying to live life deeply enough." Some readers who knew me at twenty years old can vouch for me when I say some of my behaviour was embarrassing, but at least then according to Satnam I can say I’ve lived life deeply.
Almost all of the thirty things I've learnt are borrowed from someone I've read, watched or heard.
SELF & RELATIOnSHIPS
Our parents shape us so much. It's worth spending some time to figure out how. We have a tendency to chalk up our parents strengths and weaknesses and then to disassociate ourselves from them. In my early twenties, I didn't really take the time to figure how my upbringing and my parents shaped me. But we mimic those who we are closest to and shape aspects of our behaviour and personality in direct opposition to them. Taking the time to notice this, is one of the best investments you can make.
Have the courage to be disliked. If you were offered a life in which all people like you and life in which there were people who disliked you, which one would you take? I'd take the latter without hesitating. Not being disliked is basically impossible. And living your life in order not to be disliked is tiring. Speaking from personal experience, you end up doing a lot of things you don't really want to do.
The most powerful beliefs in the world are self-limiting ones. I spent most of my twenties thinking I was never going to have a meaningful romantic relationship with anyone. I had a whole set of reasons to explain why this was the case. For example, I grew up in a fairly conservative family environment which meant I wasn't well-equipped to navigate the world of dating (or as my dear friends would say, "I had no game"). While that may have been a sufficient explanatory factor at one point, it became more of an internal belief that I mainly had and then acted out. No-one else really had it (or cared about it). We invent so many reasons why we can't do certain things. Knock them down.
Other people’s emotions won’t always seem to make sense on first appearance, but they often have their own unrevealed logic. I’ve found myself in situations where I simply don’t understand why the other person is feeling the way they do. I’ve not mastered this at all. But don't let your frustrations due to your inability to understand prevent you from comforting someone or listening. Dr. Sue Johnson spoke powerfully about how to handle situations like this on the Farnam Street podcast: "I see that you are hurting. I don’t understand all of it, but I don’t want you to be alone. I’m here.” With understanding and time, I’ve found a more open dialogue becomes easier.
Support your friends who are trying to change for the better. It can be very easy and tempting to pull your friends back into habits and behaviours that they are trying to move on from. I've been guilty of this. Only with reflection have I realised, my lack of support was rooted in my own failure to make similar changes. As Steven Pressfield writes in The War of Art, "when we see others beginning to live their authentic selves, it drives us crazy if we have not lived out our own."
CONVERSATION
Don't accept "Pinkering" at face value. In the middle of a contentious debate, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told, "but all the data shows there's never been a better time to be alive." But be wary of those who rely heavily on such a line of argument, which can minimise the concerns or suffering of those without power. Known as "Pinkering," after the Harvard psychologist Steven Pinker who argues that things are getting better.
Your ability to speak "objectively" on a given issue can be a reflection of the fact you are less affected by the issue. I've been caught in arguments on racism where I've been told to focus on the facts of the issue and be less emotional. But I've been unable to because my experiences of the topic aren't theoretical. I've also been in the shoes of the person calling for more "objectivity." For me, the lesson here is to be aware of - and curious about - other people's lived experience.
If you catch yourself in an argument ask yourself why you are arguing. I'm struck by how many times I've been in a debate and despite my intentions, I end up arguing to prove I'm right and that the other person is wrong. We all do it and it gets in the way of our learning. So when you find yourself in an argument, ask yourself, am I actually willing to change my mind?
The answers to most debates aren’t binary. Tear the statues down or let them stand? Protect public health or prioritise the economy? So many of our public debates are reductively framed in a way that encourages people to take sides. This happens even when there isn’t necessarily a need for sides. The existence of sides can also distract focus from the core issues at hand.
The ideal number for a dinner party is between six and eight. If you have 6 people there are 15 two-ways conversations that are possible (if 8, 28). Calculated with the formula N* (N-1)/2, where N is the number of people. As James Currier says "when groups get larger, it's an exponential change, not a linear one." As you add people, the ability for more intimate conversations slips away as guests are unable to properly connect with each other.
LEARNING
"I don't know" is the most powerful tool for learning you have. This is shamelessly pilfered off Ray Dalio, the founder of Bridgewater Associates. In his book, Principles, he writes that your "ability to deal with "not knowing" is more important than whatever it is you do know." I used to hate saying "I don't know" for fear of appearing unknowing. Now I embrace it knowing that people are pretty much always keen to tell you what it is they know (or think that they do).
Most of us are hard-wired to copy others. Think about who you copy. In The Secrets of Our Success, evolutionary psychologist Joseph Heinrich illustrates that "humans are prolific, spontaneous, and automatic imitators." We learn how to succeed and overcome challenges by watching others. According to Heinrich, this plays a starring role in our collective success as a species. That we are a mimetic species seems like an obvious insight especially when studying human societies of the past, when one's ability to survive depended on mastery of certain skills. Today mimetic contagion isn't always obvious. But pay attention and you'll soon see how we all copy others without even realising. There's nothing wrong with this, but it's worth thinking about who to emulate.
Study history, but remember we've not been around for that long. Niall Ferguson noted that "the dead outnumber the living 14 to 1" and for that reason warned that "we ignore the accumulated experience of such a huge majority of mankind at our peril." I agree. Whatever subject you are interested in, it is worth understanding the historical forces that have shaped it, especially as they probably still do. But don't judge the future by past performance, as the past is so very short. As Bill McKibben wrote, "if the billions of years of life on Earth were scaled to a twenty-four hour day, our settled civilisations began about a fifth of a second ago."
Look past the individual and study the system. When something goes wrong, it is the easiest thing to castigate someone for their perceived failings. Instead of personalising failure, take the time to also look at the system and incentives that helped to produce such behaviour. For example, capitalism, for the most part, maximises for what’s great today, not what will be good ten years from now. That’s not an individual failure. It’s a systemic problem.
It's not about how many books you've read. I used to think that the number of books I read was a good metric to judge how much I was learning. I was wrong. This is a vanity metric that can lead you to pick books based on how easy they are to read instead of picking something that is more challenging, but ultimately transformative.
Write in public. Yes, I'm biased. I’ve always loved writing, but have held back from publishing my writing because of my fear of what others would think. I wish I started sooner. I’ve learnt new things and made new friends. What I love about writing is how it changes how you look at the world.
The best ideas are fragile. It is so easy to squash ideas. But in doing so, we create an environment where people don't voice their ideas for fear of sounding silly or being made to feel stupid. This is a bad outcome because the best ideas often start off as bad ideas.
You can't tell the quality of a decision from the outcome. You may lack all the necessary information, while luck can also play a part. Both of these can impact your outcomes no matter how much you've thought about them. Because of this poor decisions may lead to good outcomes meaning, counter-intuitively, the best-decision maker isn't necessarily the one with the most success. To make better decisions focus on improving your processes and judgement.
Think for yourself. What do chicken nuggets and other people’s opinions have in common? They are ready-made, speedily produced and not that good for you if you consume too many. Reject the McDonald’s approach to thinking and don’t be afraid to have your own point of view.
HABITS
Make your habits manageable by "ratcheting" them. One of my goals for the year is to write more. Rather than setting goals that overwhelm me or doing something day after day, I've started "ratcheting" my goals. At the start of the week, I set out to do 3 hours of writing. This means I can manage how I achieve that target over a series of days. As Andy Matuschak says it is "a strategy that bends, not breaks, while still holding me accountable over time”.
Sleep is the best "life-hack" there is. In my early twenties, I used to pride myself on my ability to get by with little sleep. Now I can recognise variations in my cognitive function when I've slept poorly or very little. As Matthew Walker writes in Why We Sleep, "the best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep".
You don't need to finish every book you buy. If you are struggling to finish a book, move on rather than stop reading altogether. Something I've also started doing recently is downloading the free Kindle sample of the book I want to read. The key arguments are often in the introduction of a good book. If you want more after that, then press buy.
Make technology work for you. It's never been easier to be distracted. For me, it used to be that I'd stop doing whatever I was doing to read the latest "must-read" article. Now I use Pocket to save articles to read all at once at a later time. I've set up a system to manage my attention (read about parts of it here). It sounds anal (and is), but each of us need to take more responsibility to counter technology that is deliberately engineered so that we find it hard to disengage. To do this, we need to shift from having a passive relationship with technology to a more active one.
If you drink, think about your relationship with alcohol. In her book, Everything I Know About Love, Dolly Alderton, observes that alcohol "had the same power to stunt experience as it did to exacerbate it." I can't help but think her observation goes hand in hand with her remark on going out: "they were all good stories, and that's what mattered. It was the raison d’être of my early twenties." Don't get me wrong, alcohol is fun. But I wish I questioned why I was drinking sometimes.
CAREER
You can rewire your brain. For most of us, our formal education stops somewhere between the ages of sixteen and twenty-one. It follows then that many of us think our life is dictated by choices we make in this period. But our brain can reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout our life. This is known as neuroplasticity. It may get harder, but it's never too late to learn something new. As the Chinese proverb says, "the best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now."
When it comes to your career, embrace "squigglyness." Unless you are world-class and/or a domain expert, the idea that we narrowly shape our career around one to two skills and interests has long been dead in my opinion. In my mind, features of a great career are experimentation and interdisciplinarity. A great example of this is David Perell, who has built an online writing school and in doing so, has had to learn a wide range of skills.
Beware of the pitfalls of optionality. Our education system contributes to a culture of risk-aversion. Many students start their careers unsure what to do, but end up choosing consulting, finance or even another degree. These choices are seen as prestigious and a means to learn transferable skills that keep our options wide-open. The problem is that you may become an acquirer of safety nets that in the words of Mihir Desai "don't end up enabling big risk-taking". Worse still by emphasising optionality you may end up postponing your dreams by picking choices that you think will enable your dreams. But the risk is that, as Desai says, "these intervening choices … change [you] fundamentally."
LIFE AND DEATH
Not everything can be fixed. In my twenties, the loss of two uncles I was very close to and my brother's ongoing illness changed my life. I've seen family members fight with every drop of their energy to avert the possibility of death. I've done it myself. But in the rush to try and fix things, you can easily forget to be in the present and miss the opportunities to support someone suffering in the way that they want to be. The philosopher Donna Haraway speaks of the importance of "staying with the trouble," of not shying away from reality but instead inhabiting the present in all its complexity, terror, hope and joy.
Death can show you how to live. The death of loved ones and the ever-present fear that I may lose my brother have wounded me. I don’t know whether such wounds ever truly heal. But in my suffering, I’ve found solace in my bonds with those that I love. They’ve grown stronger in ways that I’d never anticipated. What I’ve also come to notice is that you can tell if someone has been touched by death. In a strange way, I’ve observed that those who are truly living are those that have felt the transience of life.
The only expectations that really matter are your own. This is best encapsulated in a commencement speech given by Nassim Nicholas Taleb:
For I have a single definition of success: you look in the mirror every evening, and wonder if you disappoint the person you were at 18, right before the age when people start getting corrupted by life. Let him or her be the only judge; not your reputation, not your wealth, not your standing in the community, not the decorations on your lapel. If you do not feel ashamed, you are successful. All other definitions of success are modern constructions; fragile modern constructions.