2020 ANNUAL REVIEW
2020 was the hardest year of my life to date.
In February, I travelled to West Africa to bring my uncle back to the UK after he had a stroke. He made it back, but passed away.
In July, just days after my 30th birthday, my brother was admitted to hospital. After experiencing years of a debilitating illness, he decided to seek palliative care. He was able to come home for three and a half weeks before passing away on September 1st.
And in the days after my brother’s funeral, my relationship with my then-girlfriend came to an unexpected and abrupt end.
Each of these events were incredibly dramatic and harder to manage because of the pandemic. Collectively, they have taken a toll on me.
Many people I’ve spoken to have wished away 2020. “Fuck 2020,” they tell me. Despite all that has happened, I bid farewell to 2020 with a heavy heart. This was the year I spent my last days with my brother, my first best friend. They are never coming back.
With everything that has happened, progress on the plans that I set out in my 2019 Annual Review has been uneven. But there is still much to share.
Naval Ravikant wrote that, “your real resume is just a catalogue of your suffering.” My resume undoubtedly grew in 2020. Along the way, I’ve been fortunate to see the best of humanity.
This annual review is divided into five sections: (1) reflections on 2020 goals, (2) things to celebrate, (3) things to improve, (4) plans for 2021, and (5) open questions that I’m still mulling over.
Reflecting on 2020 Goals
1. Improve the quantity and quality of my writing by publishing 8 blogs, 4 long form essays and a monthly newsletter
While I didn’t hit my targets for the year, I’m pleased with what progress I did make. By writing in public, I’ve made new friends and reconnected with old ones. The two pieces I’m proudest of were A Country Talking Past One Another and The Polarisation Trap.
Why Write? In 2020, I was encouraged to pitch a couple of my pieces to larger publications. As I sought to understand how to get published I realised that I’d have to adjust my writing style to fit what different publications look for. It made me reflect on my reasons for writing. While I’d like an audience, it is not my primary motivation for writing. I’m also wary of approaches to writing that, in optimising for audience size and reach, might mean compromising what I want to say.
What to Write About? In last year’s review, I wrote that, “I’m going to focus on the range … of my writing over identifying a niche.” In 2020, I naturally gravitated to political themes, writing about networks, identity, polarisation and narratives.
Newsletter. These emerging themes led me to relaunch my newsletter, shifting from an emphasis on curation with Sunil’s Smorgasbord to a focus on original writing with Between Black and White. I’ve described this as a monthly newsletter that “challenges binary thinking by embracing complexity, with a focus on politics and society.” The branding and focus still needs refining, but I think that will happen naturally as I publish more in 2021.
My first public Youtube video introducing my newsletter Between Black and White.
A concern that I had with my newsletter is narrowing my focus too soon to the extent that it becomes an intellectual straitjacket leading to paralysis. Michael Ashcroft conveyed this worry in a wonderful Twitter thread in which he cautioned against over-engineering your creative focus before you know what you are interested in or have the potential to be good at. I don’t think I’ve done that with my relaunched newsletter, but to hedge against this, I will create a space on my website to encourage me to publish my writing on a wider range of interests.
My Writing System. In 2020, I refined my writing process aided by Roam Research. Now I have a list of titles, which I’m constantly capturing notes under. And then I’ll focus on writing one piece at a time. That said, my writing system needs to dramatically improve. Several of the pieces I published last year were written in fits of inspiration, meaning there were intense bursts of activity followed by inactivity, which meant I didn’t write or publish as much as I would have liked. In 2021, inspired by the parable of the pottery class, I will write every day as I know this is the best way to improve the quality of my writing and produce more.
2020 Metrics:
New Articles Published: 7
Email Newsletters Sent: 6
Newsletter Views: 3,637
Newsletter Signups: 48 new signups - 118 total
Website Visitors: 860
Grade: B-
The best thing about writing is when people engage critically. The feedback I’ve received hasn’t all been positive, which is as it should be!
2. Create space for more intentional conversations and exchange of ideas
While the pandemic and my personal circumstances restricted my ability to do what I planned, unexpected opportunities emerged as events became easier to create and access. For example, I organised a virtual talk with ten people to discuss a piece I wrote at the start of the first lockdown, Coronavirus: Does it have to be a war?
The Red Button Club. Along with some former colleagues I co-founded the Red Button Club, a new, non-partisan group for progressives looking to start a debate about what British foreign policy should look like over the next decade. We published six pieces and hosted a series of events before grinding to a halt. With many virtual communities springing up, it showed me the difficulty of keeping an audience engaged amidst Zoom fatigue, as well as the challenges advocating for a new direction for UK foreign policy amidst the overwhelming focus on Covid-19 and Brexit.
Minimum Viable Video. One of the last impulsive decisions I made in 2020 was to join Cam Houser’s inaugural Minimum Viable Video course. It was incredibly fun and I’ve already produced a bunch of videos. Making videos and getting better at making them will be a big part of my 2021.
Through a combination of these activities and my writing, I’ve got the makings of a creative and supportive community.
Grade: B
My “award” from the Minimum Viable Video Course!
3. Improve my health and wellbeing by going to the gym x5 p/w, minimising my possessions, meditating and becoming comfortable with at least four new vegetarian recipes
Exercise. Going to the gym was not an option by the end of February and inevitably what remained of my routines was completely disrupted when I was caring for my brother at the end of his life. I was able to manage to remain active through some very tough periods and in the last three months of 2020, I stabilized my weight and started exercising regularly.
Pescatarian/Vegetarian Diet. One major unplanned change was my switch to a pescatarian diet. My ex-girlfriend is a vegan. We ended up living together during the lockdown and as a result, I cooked vegan/vegetarian food. It was the push that I needed to change my diet and I’ve noticed that I consistently have more energy. I still eat meat but rarely and only on very special occasions.
Meditation. One aspect of this goal that I didn’t ever really get started on was a meditation practice. If there was a year I needed it, it was 2020. Towards the end of the year, when I had more time, I avoided it even more. The few times I did meditate relaxed me to the point where I really felt the losses I’d experienced. I’m not afraid of my emotions, but counter-intuitively meditation seemed to take me to the opposite state I sought. That said, meditation is something I am going to again prioritise in 2021.
Possessions. In July, I left London to see my brother in hospital in Cambridge. I had a grab bag, which is all I’ve really had since then. It’s been a great reminder of how little I actually need to get by and once a semblance of normality returns to my life, I will look at what I actually need and want.
Grade: B-
4. Chart some paths for the future by writing about four areas of interest, making at least one investment and fully participating in the Included VC programme
Venture Capital/Angel Investing. In 2020, my Included VC Fellowship came to end. I wrote up some of my learnings in a Twitter mega-thread.
Included VC led to the creation of Finally VC, a first-time fund targeting underrepresented founders. We were selected for Founder Institute’s inaugural VC Lab, which aims to launch 1,000 new VC firms (our application video was spotlighted, check it out here). I wasn’t able to fully participate as I planned because of my personal circumstances and our ambitions for Finally VC weren’t realised because of how hard it is to raise a fund for first-time fund managers. That said, I learnt a lot from all of these experiences that I’ll take forward. I remain focused on exploring how more capital - of which there is more than I imagined - can be unlocked to produce the type of change we need.
In the last quarter of 2020, I made my first angel investments. I’ll write publicly about these later this year.
Ideas. In 2020, I explored a number of ideas including a rural co-living concept, how income sharing agreements could be used to support people to reskill and a CV for the 21st century for on young people that captures life experiences that normal CVs don’t. Eventually, I landed on the seed of an idea, which I intend to test in 2021. I’m very aware that ideas are plentiful, execution is the hard part.
Grade: B+
5. Improve my information management processes and planning systems by completing the Building A Second Brain course and reviewing progress towards goals on a quarterly basis
I switched over to Roam Research from Notion, used Building a Second Brain to refine my information capture system and created morning, weekly and monthly review processes that are working for me.
Last year was the first time I did an annual review process which included detailed planning for the year ahead. I learnt lots about goal setting that I intend to improve on for 2021. More on that later!
Grade: A
Things To Celebrate
1. Naveen, Life and Death
When I visited my brother in hospital after he’d made the decision to seek palliative care, I asked him, “Have I been there for you in the way that you’ve needed these past days, weeks and months?” Without hesitating he replied, “Yes, but look forwards not backwards. I’ll need you at my side in the days and weeks to come and for this, I’ll always be indebted to you.”
My heart aches every day, but I know I’m blessed to have been at my brother’s side for his last days. Death is the greatest teacher and having seen her up close thrice now, I’ve again realised that the best life advice, the deepest wisdom, is the most simple. As my brother said in his final words to a select few, “take the opportunity to live that you’ve been given.”
Having been close to death, I’m ever more certain of the meaning of life - to love and to be loved. Almost everything we think matters, doesn’t.
And I’ve noticed that as death beckons, life takes on the qualities of an epic movie. Ordinary moments, ordinary actions are endowed with extraordinary significance. Which if you think about it makes sense. Our presence here, right now, is extraordinary.
My brother was the bravest person I’ve ever met. He faced death with immeasurable grace, with a smile and the sun literally shining on his face. Since his passing, I’ve been remembering him by writing up my notes of his last days first thing in the morning even though it is very hard. That pain is welcome though because, in experiencing it, I know how much I loved him and will always love him.
In 2021, I will start to make a documentary about his life, his extraordinary final days and what he taught me.
I’ll end this section by sharing the words of a wise and wonderful friend who captured how I hope to honour my uncles and my brother:
“I made a promise to celebrate his death, by remembering the energy and enthusiasm he lived with. If anything, every memory of him will make me dance and rejoice twice as much, because I’m doing it for the two of us. So my dear friend, I offer not condolences, but celebration - of the life the dear departed shared with us so lovingly and joyously. Let us dance today in remembrance and gratitude of their presence (however short) rather than grieve the pain of their loss.”
Me and my uncle.
2. Family
It was around 6pm on Tuesday, February 25th 2020, that my mum called me to tell me that my uncle had had a stroke. I was at work and quickly decided that I’d travel to West Africa to see if I could help him. That was the last “normal” day of 2020.
Since then, I’ve seen my friends a handful of times. I miss them a lot, especially as I’ve not really returned to my flat in London since my brother passed away.
But against that, I’ve been able to spend time with my family that I know I may never get again in the same way. The whole year has been a reminder of what an extraordinary family I have.
My parents' resilience in the face of a loss I can’t comprehend. My 80-year old grandmother still imparting wisdom having experienced the loss of a son and a grandson. My uncle not hesitating to spend sleepless nights with me supporting my brother, even though he often had to work at 7am. My cousins with their humour in the darkest of moments.
And my incredible sister. Together we responded to crises on two continents, tested our diplomatic skills like never before, organised and managed end of life care, funerals and much more. 2020 was the year I really think our fictional crisis response unit, the so-called, “Suri Crisis Management Team,” became a viable business proposition. It would be funny, if it wasn’t true.
3. Social Tech Trust
In December, I was unexpectedly selected to become a Trustee at Social Tech Trust, a charity which finds and backs early stage tech ventures who are making a positive impact on the world. Their purpose is well-aligned to my own interests and I’m really excited to play a strategic role in supporting the organisation as it navigates a path to financial sustainability while delivering social impact.
Things To Improve
1. Habits Not Goals
2020 was the first year I set specific goals. While I’m happy with progress given everything that happened, I want to move away from a focus on goals and instead focus on habits.
I’ve observed that a goals-first mentality creates pressure to achieve outcomes and results in dissatisfaction when I don’t, for activities that I should enjoy for the intrinsic pleasure that they provide me. I don’t want my happiness to be contingent on “achieving” anything. Going forward, I’m going to focus on building habits, which allow for a wider range of outcomes vs. an either/or scenario.
Credit: James Clear
I saw the power of habits in action when I committed to working on a challenging piece of writing twenty minutes every day for a three-week period in June. Still unpublished, the piece is something that I’m really excited by and it was relatively painless to produce compared to writings that I produced in a frenzy of inspiration.
2. Self-Identity as a Barrier to Change
It’s becoming clearer to me that the main barriers to personal change are internal. Oftentimes the change we want to make doesn’t align to our existing self-image. For example, wanting to drink less when you consider yourself to be a “life and soul of the party” type of person. Other times, making the change risks leaving a vacuum in our self-identity. If I leave this job, who am I? In such scenarios, we end up clinging onto things long after we should let them go.
With this in mind, I plan to be bolder in letting go of identities and claiming new ones, while again not making my happiness dependent on any particular identity.
I’m me. That’s enough.
3. Being Present
I’ve been asked several times recently whether I have any regrets. I’ve said no. But I do wish I’d spent more time with my brother. It’s not a regret per se especially as the lockdown was responsible for separating us when we’d otherwise have had more time together. It’s also something I imagine I’d say no matter how much time I’d had with him.
What I do wish to take away from this uneasy feeling is a determination to be more present in the moment. Life is busy and that busyness can cause us to miss what’s right in front of us.
To support this, I’m going to do my best to embrace a less is more mindset, avoiding making too many commitments so that my attention is more concentrated rather than hurried.
Plans for 2021
SYSTEM
My plans for 2021 have been heavily influenced by James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, who wrote that, “true long-term thinking is goal-less thinking.” With that in mind, I’m focusing on my identity, habits and systems first and my goals second.
If I build good habits, I’m confident that I’ll be pleased with the by-products of my consistency. In what follows, I’ve outlined what those by-products might look like, but the emphasis is on my habits.
Building good habits isn’t easy and takes time. So I’m going to start incrementally and ratchet them up as the year progresses. I’m also going to spend a lot of time experimenting to find out what works (i.e. different daily routines, different environments). I plan to track progress using a combination of Streaks and a simple Google sheet.
WRITING
Habits:
I will write for at least thirty minutes every day.
I will tweet 1 p/d.
I will provide feedback on someone’s writing 1p/w.
If I do this, I’ll publish more ideas, using different mediums (i.e. Twitter), and learn from other people’s work, becoming a better writer in the process.
By-products:
Publish at least 12 essays (inc. Annual Review).
Publish my newsletter monthly (i.e. 12).
Publish twenty-six long threads on Twitter.
VIDEOMAKING
Habit:
I will spend at least thirty minutes every other day making videos.
If I do this, I will create and publish more videos, becoming a better video maker.
By-products:
Make 50 videos in public.
Make a video celebrating Naveen and his life.
HEALTH
Habits:
I will do some form of exercise 5 times p/w.
I will meditate for 5 minutes p/d.
I will walk outside every day.
If I do this, I will become a better trainer, lose weight and build a meditation habit, becoming a healthier person.
GROWTH & LEARNING
Habit:
I will spend at least thirty minutes every other day learning or building something new.
If I do this, I will ensure that my learning is not abstract and that I’m taking risks in my own name.
By-products:
Complete Visualize Value course and implement learnings.
Design and pilot the new idea I’m working on.
Open Questions
Where should I live and how should I live? Living in Loughborough since August has reminded me of the pleasures of the countryside. Houses are larger, there are green open spaces everywhere and everyone seems to move at a slower pace. There is so much that I love about London, but I am wondering how I can build a life with more variety in the pace of life (think rural and urban contrasts) when/if the pandemic ends.
And although I’ve not been able to participate, from afar I’ve seen multiple pandemic-inspired co-housing/living experiments take off (mainly in the US). With remote work more viable than ever before, I’m keen to explore different ways of living.
How to find a balance between acceptance and ambition? It is said that everyone dies twice. Once when they die and once again when the last person that remembers them also dies. Ultimately though, almost everyone will be forgotten and everything will turn to dust. We exist in the blink of an eye. With that awareness, there is happiness because you can just appreciate the miracle that is our existence. But I’ve found greater awareness and acceptance of our transience has clouded and perhaps even dulled my ambition. It isn’t that things are pointless, but it’s more that I’m aware that fulfilling my ambitions will not make me happier.
As my brother lay on his deathbed, it wasn’t his professional achievements that brought him warmth, it was our shared love for one another. He taught me so many things: dignity, bravery and selflessness. These are not values associated with many of the career paths that our culture valorizes. It reminds me of David Brooks’s distinction between résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues. He writes:
“The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love? … But our culture and our educational systems spend more time teaching the skills and strategies you need for career success than the qualities you need to radiate that sort of inner light. Many of us are clearer on how to build an external career than on how to build inner character.”
Writing this, it’s become clearer to me than ever before that I’m questioning the idea of ambition and wondering how I can build a life that optimises for eulogy virtues rather than résumé ones.
Memories
Best Meal. My brother’s last meal: lychees, hulva and challah bread. Somehow so fitting that his last meal involved food associated with two ancient religions.
Favorite Weekend: The weekend of my 30th birthday.
Favorite New City: As per last year, ask me again in 2021.
Favorite Sports Moment: Manchester City 2 - Leicester City 5. As my dear friend Ed Collins wrote, is there anyone who has brought me more happiness than Jamie Vardy? More and more, I don’t think so!
Most Intense Week: Err…
Favorite Songs: Each of these songs is associated with personal memories of 2020:
Only You - Yazoo
(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano - Sampha
Cold Little Heart - Michael Kiwanuka
Wild World - Maxi Priest
Favorite Quote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Viktor Frankl
Favourite Video: