2021 ANNUAL REVIEW
My last annual review began with the words, “2020 was the hardest year of my life to date.”
Grief and heartbreak are not linear processes, so it’s fair to say that I approached 2021 with trepidation after the events of 2020.
After my brother passed away, a painful cocktail of grief, heartbreak and the pandemic led me to stay in Loughborough, which is where I grew up, in a sort of chrysalis.
Until May 2021, my day consisted of waking up in my parents house, walking down the road to my brother’s house which I used as my office and then back again at the end of the day. My Strava heat map would have looked very dull indeed.
To begin with, the crises did not relent.
My family understandably struggled to deal with the losses of the past year. My grandma’s health declined. My best friend found out he had cancer. I then had my own tumour to deal with.
But at the very end of May, something started to shift.
I went on holiday with my family to Cornwall, the first moment we collectively breathed out for a very long time.
After that, I enjoyed a dear friend’s 30th birthday, the first party I’d been to in over a year. As the sun rose over the Suffolk coast at 6am I cast the last rukri that I shared with my brother into the sea (a string tied around your wrist that is a blessing of sorts). To me, it signified the start of the process of letting go of some of those hardest moments.
And then the day after, I received my first vaccine at the very same hospital in London where my uncle had died a year earlier. I was quite overcome with emotion not only because of the location, but because the vaccine (or lack thereof of) played a part in my brother’s choices regarding his care.
We seek solace in the stories we tell ourselves. But with these events I started to feel the circle partially closing on some of the events of 2020-21.
And now, as I look back from the vantage point of January 2022, I can see how the second half of 2021, while an ongoing struggle in many ways, was seismic for me.
I made new friends.
I changed jobs.
I moved house.
I experienced a lot of joy.
From chrysalis to emergence to transition.
That was the story of my 2021.
THINGS TO CELEBRATE
“Life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived.”
Attributed to multiple people.
1. Resilience
Early on in 2021, one of my best friends said to me that he, “couldn’t have scripted a worse two years for someone.” Everyone is suffering in some way and what I’ve experienced is not exceptional. But as I say with regularity to my sister, we should be proud that we’re still standing (and smiling) after everything. I’ve learnt more about myself in the last two years than the previous ten. I wish I didn’t have to pay the price I have for that learning, but it is worth celebrating.
2. Imagination
When I was younger, but probably older than I care to remember, I used to play with these action figures in my room (Micro Machines for the discerning reader). I’d spend hours creating complicated fictional storylines of war and diplomacy. To be a child is to imagine. Somewhere along the road to adulthood, society, self-consciousness and responsibility deprive many of us of that ability to suspend reality.
But in the last year, I’ve remembered how much I love imagination. I’ve also realised that one of the qualities I most value in friendships is the ability to imagine. To come up with silly ideas. To create make believe worlds and inhabit them.
3. Friendship
“We pick our friends not only because they are kind and enjoyable company, but also, perhaps more importantly, because they understand us for who we think we are.”
Alain de Botton
I’m single. But I’ve not felt any less loved in the past year. I’ve had some stupendous experiences with my friends this year. Reflecting on some of these friendships, I’ve come to realise that we separate romantic love and friendship far too easily.
It’s a strange and uncomfortable thing to write. But if I break it down it makes sense.
You’d do anything for your best friends and vice-versa. You laugh and cry together. And as you wander through your thirties, you realise friends you went to school with, have known you for 80% of your life. Friends you went to university with, 40%. It’s not insignificant, you have a shared history. You’ve seen each other grow and often been the cause for each other’s growth.
There is a romanticism to true friendship. And I’m grateful for it. And for them.
5. Becoming a godfather
The single best surprise of 2021 was becoming a godfather to Albert Parham. I’m going to spoil him rotten.
6. My sister
At my brother’s funeral, I told my Masi (auntie) and Mammoo (uncle) that they’d been so supportive, so loving during my brother’s last days that I didn’t miss the presence of my Vimal Mammoo and Anu Mammoo in the way that I had expected that I would (both of whom had passed away recently).
I can’t say that I don’t miss my brother.
But my sister, Rachna, is doing a magnificent job of making up for the fact that Naveen has left the party slightly early.
We were close before, but now we’re closer than ever. I wish I was more open with Rachna and Naveen earlier on in my life. And if there is a piece of advice I have to offer in these ramblings, it’s this: share with your loved ones. You’ll never regret it.
Rachna is also responsible for the most awe-inspiring thing I heard this year (perhaps ever if I’m honest). In one of those moments of self-pity that I so hate, I asked aloud, “When is something good going to happen to us?”
Without missing a beat, she replied, “It has. We experienced something pure. Naveen. And Mum.”
OPEN QUESTIONS
Do I know what I want in love? If I’m honest, I’m scared to write about love and relationships. It feels like a minefield. And a lot of the minefield is in my head. But it’s also because while I talk about love and relationships with my friends, I rarely see writing on it by peers in my age group (maybe I’m not looking hard enough though, recommendations welcome).
I think it’s because it feels safer to share with our friends compared to writing about such themes in public. Although it shouldn’t be the case, I’ve found that feelings of embarrassment, loneliness and questions of self-worth can emerge when you are more actively engaging in the quest for romance, love or a relationship - often no matter the strength of your character. So writing on it can feel like an especially vulnerable act.
In that way, perhaps we approach writing about love in the way that children approach maths. I just want to show you I got the right answer, not the working out.
So with that in mind, one of my goals for 2022 is to write an essay on romance and love. I hope that through writing, I’ll discover a little bit more about what I want. It continually amazes me how mystical our approach to finding love is, especially given how much it can shape our lives.
This thought repeatedly hit me while listening to Conversations On Love by Natasha Lunn (the audiobook is wondrous, thanks for the recommendation Richard). She explores how we often make false inferences despite a lack of evidence by ascribing happenings to fate:
“Imagination can take the scant details of an ordinary connection and build another world inside of it.”
Lunn is right.
How and when should I talk about what I’ve been through? Talking about the loss of my brother is hard.
When is the right moment?
The anguished look on people’s faces when you mention his name. Even though that’s not the reaction you necessarily want to induce.
I find myself remembering him during joyous moments and want to share. But then you can become self-conscious that you’ll bum people out and the nuclear chain reaction begins and you inadvertently bum yourself out.
I find myself talking about him on dates even though I know it’s a hot potato topic. The person opposite you winces unsure of how to react.
Because it can be hard to get the tone right or get the reaction you want, I sometimes find myself telling stories about the story of the losses in a provocative and performative manner.
You experience a slight delight in how shocked people are (something I seek to do anyway at the best of times). But then when you’ve shocked them, you realise you’re minimising how hurt you have been and are.
I’ve come to realise sharing the story of my brother and his passing is also a gift. I shouldn’t share it too lightly or loosely (although I reserve the right to).
Who do you share with?
As time passes and the events recede, it can become harder to find space to talk about it. For others, it’s the past. For you, it’s your present day.
So in an unexpected way, telling new people about everything can be satisfying because hearing of it is a novel experience for them. Through that novelty you get the reaction you need. A fresher, purer reminder of the emotions associated with the events.
THINGS TO IMPROVE
1. Embrace the Japanese of “oubaitori”
When I was isolated in Loughborough, in a strange way, I was more content than I was at times in London in the second half of the year. In Loughborough, I had less things to compare myself to. But in London, I sometimes found my inner voice wondering why I hadn’t had as much success as person X or why I hadn’t built a relationship like person Y. The losses I’ve experienced are a vaccine of sorts against comparison culture. When you’ve experienced the very edges of life (and death), the rest of life seems rather mundane (more on that next), but our desires are so heavily conditioned by what those around us have that comparison culture can cut through when you are surrounded by people (our herd does indeed change us).
A buzz-word of 2021 that I liked was “oubaitori.” It’s a Japanese idiom that comes from the four trees that bloom in spring: cherry, plum, apricot and peach. The idea is that each flower blooms in its own time. We shouldn’t live our lives comparing ourselves to others, instead we should focus on our own growth. I want to hold the concept of “oubaitori” close to me in 2022.
2. Continued awareness of the relationship between trauma and hedonism
I’ll write about it one day, but some of the things I experienced in 2020 were fairly mad. As I’ve said, when I talk about it with friends in depth for the first time, they tend to be rendered speechless. The thing is, as painful as some of the experiences were, I felt alive in ways that I never had been.
It’s a theme that Sebastian Junger writes about in one of my favourite books, Tribe, an exploration of human reactions to war. Junger recounts a conversation with a survivor of the Bosnian War:
“The best way to explain it is that the war makes you an animal. We were animals. It’s insane—but that’s the basic human instinct, to help another human being who is sitting or standing or lying close to you.” I asked Ahmetašević if people had ultimately been happier during the war. “We were the happiest,” Ahmetašević said. Then she added: “And we laughed more.”
I haven’t been in a war, but I have been in life or death situations. It can be like playing a computer game and skipping to the hardest levels. And even when playing the hardest levels, you find that there is ample space for laughter and joy (as well as the tears). If anything that laughter and joy is even more magical because you know it is like sand falling through your fingers: fleeting.
When you come back to normality, you are left with a strange duality. The most ordinary meaningless moments can feel sublime as before, infused with that memory of how precious life is. I experienced this sitting alone on Sai Jorge Castle in Lisbon looking across the city in September 2021.
But at times, the computer game you come back to can seem a bit boring and predictable. You can find yourself bouncing between these two states in a matter of mere moments.
In 2021, I’ve found myself trying to overcome the hedonic treadmill in an attempt to feel as I have before. I’ve been exploring the relationship between my trauma and hedonism with my therapist. It’s not an uncommon journey. But it’s one that I want to keep an eye on.
3. Being myself - and not playing the jester
I love making people happy. And I love meeting new people from all walks of life and discovering what we have in common. I’ve experienced two challenges with this sort of disposition.
First, you can end up playing the jester to make people feel at ease. Second, you can actually end up rounding off the edges of your personality to make it easier to get on with others. The former is only one part of my personality. And with the second, you can find yourself making all kinds of micro-sacrifices in terms of your behaviours, opinions and values. I want to continue to create joy and meaningful connections, but I also want to nurture the courage to be disliked more.
A note: while the first half of this annual review focuses on qualitative reflections, there is a change in tone in the second half to come as I explore progress on my 2021 goals and set out my plans for 2022.
REFLECTING ON 2021 GOALS
1. Writing (B-)
When I make space for it, writing is the thing that reliably gives me the most joy in the world. Best of all, it nurtures a sense of internal satisfaction that isn’t dependent on anyone else.
While this was a key focus for me in 2021, progress was uneven. I published almost everything in the first half of the year, when I was essentially in lockdown and then hibernation. I have no regrets about my choices in the second half of the year, but I need to be better in making space for my creative pursuits.
But even if uneven, my writing has created opportunities for me. This year, I’m starting a social enterprise focused column for Pioneers Post, while one of my essays played a role in helping me secure my new role at Odin.
Challenges:
Unintentional long-form writing: One recurrent challenge was that when I set out to write a piece, it’d inevitably turn out to be longer than I intended, which had a knock-on effect on when I’d publish it. The longer pieces weren’t necessarily any better and if anything, it meant less people read what I published.
Commit to learning about something, else it results in one-off pieces: In What A Board Game Taught Me About The Pandemic, I wrote about a topic I didn’t know much about. It meant the piece took longer to pull together. It also meant any follow-up was tricky because it wasn’t actually anchored to anything in my life, despite my efforts.
The framing of my newsletter, Between Black and White, became a constraint: My newsletter promises to challenge “binary thinking by embracing complexity, with a focus on politics and society.” It sounds jazzy, right? But the framing meant I felt pressure to stay on topic, which was frustrating as I wanted to explore a wider range of themes. At the same time, I have never been more disillusioned about politics. Despite reader interest, I think many of my readers want an escape from politics, a theme I explored in Spectator Democracy’s Last Gasp For Air. The result was that I had less desire to write.
What worked?
Long-threads on Twitter: I started using Typefully to write threads on Twitter. The purist in me originally thought this is a reductive way to write. But I was wrong. There is something about the character limit and the way you need to logically order the tweets that forces you to make your point in a really succinct manner.
Start small: When I aimed high, i.e. write for thirty minutes a day, getting started was harder. But when I lowered the hurdle to just write for five minutes, I found myself losing track of time and going past the thirty minute mark anyway!
Looking back:
I enjoyed writing about Leicester City winning the title in 2015/6, Remembering The Greatest Sporting Miracle.
Channelling my inner Adam Curtis in Spectator Democracy’s Last Gasp For Air.
Responding to a critic of my essay on futarchy on Twitter - I tried to model a constructive dialogue.
2. Video-Making (N/A)
In 2020, I completed a video-making course which inspired this focus. But I sort of realised I wasn’t committed enough to make progress almost a month into the year. I tried different formats including One Word Conversations (Remembering) and micro-videos (The Perils of Desperately Seeking Novelty). I also tried to create in public as a form of accountability:
But this focus wasn’t a total washout. While I wasn’t ready to make a video about my brother, I took advantage of my time at home to interview my grandmother over a series of weekends. She is the last connection I have to the oral history of my family in India. And now I’ve got priceless footage, which I know I’ll be grateful for in years to come.
Challenges:
Perfect Scripting: Despite advice to the contrary, I heavily scripted all my videos which meant they took longer to produce. I tried to make videos where I spoke off the cuff, but didn’t feel comfortable sharing them.
What worked?
Application Videos: I applied for six roles in 2021. For each of them, I made a video instead of sending a cover letter. I had a 100% hit rate in terms of progressing to interviews, with every assessor stating that it differentiated my application. I highly recommend it - it is also much more fun to make than writing a mundane cover letter.
3. Health (A)
In the aftermath of my brother’s passing, I remember trying to exercise. I’d never felt such a mind-body disconnect. I could feel my body creaking. During that time, I put on a lot of weight, enjoying the comforts of home food. My weight topped out at around 81.5kg in April 2021.
With this focus, I started small and really experienced the benefits of compounding. Now I’m much more active. In fact, I can’t really go a day without doing some form of exercise, stretching and meditation. I’ve developed my own routine and have supplemented them with F45, five-a-side football, volleyball and most recently, padel. My weight has come down to around 69kg.
This was the most important set of outcomes in 2021 for me. I’m now a firm advocate that if life isn’t quite going right, just do some exercise, no matter how small. It is the cheat code that unlocks so many other things.
Challenges:
Intensity does not equate to good: At school, I was called “Mr. 110%” on the football pitch. Unsurprisingly, I continue to equate trying hard with “good” exercise. I need to slow down more, listen to my body and be more intentional. This will result in less injuries and actually get me to where I want to go.
Shoulder and rotator cuff issues: Once I started laying padel again, my shoulder started to hurt more.
Cheating the system: The quality of five minutes meditation and walking wasn’t always good. Did I always really quieten my mind or go for a walk to clear my mind as the habit intends? No.
What worked?
Home Gym Setup: I’ve slowly created my own home gym in my bedroom. The best item I’ve purchased are these foam squares. They are so inviting that I find myself stretching and exercising in small amounts throughout the day.
Food Diary: I keep a food diary. It’s extra admin, but it always makes me think about my food choices.
Apps: I really recommend Streaks to build good habits.
4. Growth & Learning (C+)
Another area of uneven progress. Here I was stymied by the vagueness of what I set out to do. I started a few courses and didn’t finish them. For example, V School’s Coding Bootcamp Primer. This area also became a proxy for exploring what was next after Catch22.
Challenges:
Not having a clear target that I’m working towards.
Starting but not finishing things: Often this happened because it wasn’t connected to any actual real-world activity or some form of accountability.
What worked?
Cold outreach: I become better and bolder in doing cold outreach.
Asking for help: I asked for much more help and it really paid off at points.
Overall Thoughts on 2021 Goals
Refining my system - goals and habits
My plans for 2021 were heavily influenced by James Clear, who emphasises a focus on habits (as well as changing your identity and systems) not goals. The former is about continual progress, while the latter is about one-off outcomes (check out my notes on his book, Atomic Habits, here).
As a result, I set about creating habits that weren’t necessarily anchored to goals. It sounds really obvious, but the best progress I made was when I combined goals with habits. For example, lose 10kg of weight and exercise five times a week. In 2022, I will combine all my habits with clear goals.
No “project theatre” - commit to a less is more attitude
The risk with annual reviews and consuming those that others have published is that you feel a pressure to perform, to achieve. You can end up creating projects that are vague, ones that you think are worthwhile because others are doing something similar or where there is an unvoiced lack of internal buy-in. So you end up setting yourself up for failure. In 2022, I’m going to aim to do less, but do what I set out to do, well.
Not over-engineering my reading.
I have a books page on my website where I share notes on what I’ve read. I’m still going to share what I’ve read, but I’m not going to aim to write notes on what I read as much anymore. For one, it’s not sustainable amidst other priorities. But I’m also becoming increasingly sceptical whether it actually adds anything to my life, other than pressure. When I’m reading I catch myself thinking I should be making notes, which detracts from the actual pleasure of reading. This actually can mean I stop reading. I actually think one of the best ways to decide what to note is what feels salient after you’ve read something. What stays in your mind? That’ll be how I decide what to note down.
PLANS FOR 2022
Writing
Goal 1: Improve Twitter reply game and publish 12 long threads on Twitter
Habits/KPIs:
Promote/reply to someone else's tweets x5 p/w (220)
Write a long thread every month (12)
What/Why?
Twitter is a really good way to force yourself to write succinctly, which I want to do more of. It’s also a great place to build meaningful connections, but you have to engage with others for this to happen. Despite knowing this for a while, I’ve not really done this intentionally. Finally, it’ll be helpful in relation to Goal 5.
I’m somewhat wary about this goal as I know too much Twitter is bad for me. What I find is that Twitter can dampen your originality as you end up imbibing the beliefs and values of others, while you also start to unconsciously copy others' style of Twitter engagement.
Goal 2: Re-launch newsletter, freshly squeezed
Habits/KPIs:
Publish every fortnight starting in February (22)
What/Why?
Juicy observations on life, culture and society. I’m unashamedly going to write for myself and have fun.
Goal 3: Publish x2 long-form essays (topics inc. death, love & relationships)
What/Why?
I want to keep a space to write long-form essays and focus on topics where I feel especially vulnerable.
Health
Goal 4: Get to/maintain target weight and improve rotator cuff, wrist and ankle functionality - as well breathing
Habits/KPIs:
Exercise x5 p/w including x1 F45 class and x1 yoga class
Go off-grid for at least one weekend per quarter
Build a daily routine that includes rotator cuff and wrist strengthening exercises, foot and ankle work programme and Breathwork exercises
What/Why?
I want to maintain and build on the progress of 2021. I anticipate decreasing the amount of HIIT work that I do and doing more skill-based exercise, but this is dependent on improving my foundations.
Professional Development
Goal 5: Improve my Web3 skills, understanding & networks by playing key role in a DAO
Habits/KPIs:
Join 1-3 DAOs, actively participate in one
Create a social token
Buy 1-3 NFTs
What/Why?
I started to play with DAOs, NFTs and tokens in the second half of 2022. I’m excited because internet-based cooperatives are emerging, where individuals and communities are aligned, organised and incentivised to work together in pursuit of a goal. It’s chaotic and there is a dark side to these developments. First, it represents another means by which everything risks becoming financialised. Second, there is no guarantee that cryptocurrency represents a shift in wealth to the masses that its advocates often purport to be. Third, the carbon footprint of crypto is real.
But rather than sit passively and be an armchair critic, I want to get involved and develop a more learned perspective. After all, these changes are coming whether we want them or not.
Resources I’m going to use:
Investing & Saving
Goal 6: Invest 10% monthly income in crypto and startups and save 25%
What/Why?
I’ve never had a savings goal before, it’s happened by accident, but I want to be more intentional. I also want to invest more.
Other (Q2 onwards focus)
Goal 7: Learn to drive
Additional Habits
No screens etc. for at least one hour before bed. Fight that urge. Read instead.
Read without internet access - distracting!
Time block calendar on Sundays - put into weekly review!
Try out x2 creative activities that get me away from screens and make me think about the connections between my mind and body.
MEMORIES
Favourite Weekend
Madvent
New Years in Stirling
Favourite Sports Moment
England vs. Denmark, Euro 2020 Semi-Final. A last minute decision to go. The best rendition of Sweet Caroline I’ve ever heard.
Favourite Book(s)
I revisited the books of my childhood early on in the year to see if they still resonated. My favourite is still The Tales of the Otori - pure escapism.
I listened to the audiobook of Do Not Disturb by Michaela Wrong. It felt like fiction vs. non-fiction.
Favourite Song
Each of these are associated with a particular moment in 2021.
You Can Do It - Caribou - We Out Here liftoff.
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me - George Michael, Elton John - driving back from We Out Here with Henry and Constance in the car. Perfection.
Midas Touch - Midnight Star - played multiple times but late night at Larkhill Day of the Dead party.
It’s My House - Diana Ross - the Madvent song.
Lay All Your Love on Me - New Years in Stirling.
Favourite Quote
It’s very hard to persuade someone from whom you see yourself as having nothing to learn.
Agnes Callard.
Favourite Video